Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Raising the Healthy Individual (6/10)

Which types of parents raised you — the overprotective Rescuer who assumes too much responsibility, or the Reactor; critical, under-involved, and the distant?

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds states, “Both Rescuers and Reactors present strategies for failed parenting.”  No wonder I’m screwed!  My mother was a Rescuer, my father, a Reactor.  I was raised by both!

So how did I learn (and continue to learn) what my parents failed to teach me? 

SOCIETY — the school of hard knocks!

I want more for my two sons — way more.  I want my husband and I to work together on creating healthy family dynamics and healthy individuals.

When parents succeed in creating individuals, their children will be:

• Cooperative
• Compassionate
• Maintain relationships even during tough times
• Take care of themselves without imposing on others
• Live with convictions
• Willing to suffer discomfort to accomplish personal goals
• Define who they are without succumbing to peer pressure                       (Dr. Reynolds)

Compassionate, hardworking, problem-solver/life-long learners . . . the character traits I wish for my kids.

SO, what are my husband and I to do? . . .

Dr. Reynolds to the rescue!

• Communicate clear expectations.  Help children reach their potential.
• Allow children to take risks.  
• Set realistic but challenging expectations for your children.  Help them push through their doubts as they move from incompetence to competence.
• Hold children accountable for their responsibilities.  Empower them to grow.
• Validate your children.  Make them feel important.
• Parents ought to focus on their own goals, well-being, and self-definition.  Don’t live through your child.  Children are not extensions of their parents.
• Pray for your children.

Whew!  So much to understand, internalize, and apply . . . for me, anyway. 

Better late than never!  One step, one moment, one day at a time! 

Enjoy parenting!  Enjoy life! 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Finding the Balance (5/10)

What kind of home do you strive to create; family relationships based on justice, mercy, or grace?

• justice–you get what you deserve
• mercy–you don’t get what you deserve (a policeman pulls me over for speeding but doesn’t give me a ticket)
• grace–you get what you don’t deserve (the policeman gives me a $100 bill)

Grace sounds great, especially when I’m the recipient!

What if I was the giver, the parent, the one in charge?  

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds recommends grace, bar none!

Law-oriented families focus on goals and standards (like the workplace).  Grace promotes relationships (yeah!).  Grace enables you to accept the way things are and trust God for the way things should be.  In the grace-based home, warmth and excitement are everyday experiences.

Dr. Reynolds, how can I get there?

• Validate your child’s feelings instead of resisting them.  Empathize.  Be affectionate and loving when your child is upset.  
• Every relationship has an emotional account.  When you deposit into the account by spending time with your child, you can draw from it without penalty.
• Spend time listening to your child in order to understand her behavior.  Find out where she’s coming from.
• Explain how people must learn to follow if they want to lead.  Recommend biographies.  Look for teachable moments.  Praise her when she successfully yields.
• Maintain a sense of humor.

I must remember my strong-willed child’s strengths.  He is honest.  He often sees himself outside of the family system and its values, and sees the family dynamics clearly.  He is NOT shy about saying what’s on his mind. 

I’ve also heard, conforming children sometimes grow up with less moral courage than their more difficult children (yes, the ones who, right or wrong, wouldn’t dare rock the boat.  YUK! YUK!  TRIPLE YUK!!! SPINELESS WHIMPS!!!) 

 I LOVE my strong-willed child!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference . . . Amen! 

Good News About Your Strong Willed Child: Creating a Positive Family Atmosphere (4/10)

I can’t change my circumstance so I’m going to have to change . . . especially around my strong-willed child — my effervescent seven-year-old!

The strong-willed child often sets the tone of the family — in mine, at least – if I let him.  At the same time, the strong-willed child may simply be the one expressing the anxiety or unhappiness everyone is feeling.  He reflects the family’s tension and discomfort.  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, child psychologist)

So what’s a parent to do?

• Healthy families recognize and validate individual effort.  Combine compliments with effective love.  Focus on and encourage individual’s strengths.
• Discuss one issue.  Together, work towards problem-solving.  (“Dinner will be served at 6:00.  If you’re late, you won’t eat with us.  The mother includes family members’ suggestions.  She doesn’t argue.  She takes charge.)
• Work toward family atmosphere comprising warmth, relaxation, humor, responsiveness, flexibility, order, safety, love, closeness, honesty, and harmony.

Relax!  “Live, love, laugh!” 

Sounds like a plan!  I’ll give it a try! 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Building Parental Authority (3/10)

Spare the rod, spoil the child. (Proverbs 13:24)

He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.  (Proverbs 28:23)

No one said parenting (and family relationships) would be easy.  It’s time to face my reality; face the music.

Dr. Randy Reynolds shares his words of wisdom:

• The key to a safe family environment is to establish authority and hold the line when it’s challenged
• Parents are to use authority to create order, place restraints, and to create a safe home environment for every family member.  Endure your child’s short-term disapproval for long-term respect (remain consistent; grow a spine)
• Make requests, give commands, follow through, be just and fair, be honest, express anger appropriately, trust God (His wisdom), utilize logical and natural consequences, establish clear boundaries, allow other authorities to play a corrective role (whew!)

Parental authority must be firm to be effective; loving in order to be good.

Can’t wait to be all grown up — someday! 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Caught in Conflict (2/10)

Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the matter before a dispute breaks out.  (Proverbs 17:14)

How peaceful life would be if I would only learn to disengage and empathize.  Power struggles — I get caught up in them all too often — something needs to change.

BUT I’m human!  God, WHAT do you want from me?!

“Serenity.  Maturity.  Prioritize relationship over power.”

“How?”

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds identifies and suggests possible solutions for four types of power struggles:

• Demander/Withholder — The most basic power struggle, one person makes demands while the other withholds the desired outcome.  Trust, respect, goodwill, and cooperation vanish. 
• Controller/Rebel — Polarizing.  Parents and children find themselves stuck in rigid roles with destructive consequences: rational parents with emotional children, hard-working parents with lazy children, aggressive parents with passive children … you get the picture. 
• Rescuer/Victim — If a child feels continually helpless or inadequate and acts on these feelings, a parent may feel compelled to rescue the child.  Because strong-willed children tend to avoid responsibility, rescuer/victim dynamics are common in their families.

Healing begins when participants take personal responsibility for their words and behaviors (no finger pointing, hoping others will change).

• Husband/Wife — Husband vents his frustration on the child and wife comes to the child’s rescue (or the reverse).  Maintain a united front.  Discuss differences privately.

So how do we change dysfunctional dynamics?

Dr. Reynolds advises:

• Identify the type of power struggle you’re in
• Identify the emotions that drive it
• Take a critical view of your words and actions that invite the power struggle
• Make the commitment to sidestep the invitations to power struggles that come your way

Skill Builders — Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life God desires  (James 1:19-20); in other words, express feelings honestly, respectfully, and effectively.

(Yikes!  I am convicted!).

• Reflect strong emotions – What you’re telling me is (you’re angry with me.)
• Use soft tone
• Honest statements — “You’re being disciplined for the consequence of your behavior.”
• Empathize — “I know it’s hard … (work doesn’t always pay off the way we expect, and that’s discouraging.  But I believe that is one of the ways we learn and grow).”

Now that I’ve acquired more knowledge than I know what to do with, I just have to apply them!

Wish me luck! 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: My Child Versus the Good Child (1/10)

Which child do you prefer?

• The conforming child — responsible, sensitive to others, cooperative, responsive, respectful, conforms to the rules
• The strong-willed child — fighter, assertive, self-sensitive, demands fairness, disruptive, reactive, disrespectful, feels weak/acts powerful

Is the conforming child always the good child? 

If you challenge a strong-willed child, he will probably oppose you even more.  Strong-willed children are more work to parent, but that doesn’t mean they are bad children.  Their opposition can reveal to us the changes we need to make in parenting. (R. Reynolds)

So what’s a parent to do?  Rule with the iron fist or kill with kindness?

“Neither,” suggests Dr. Reynolds, “Emotionally disengage.  A fight response moves you into a combative encounter.  A flight response moves you to surrender and withdraw.  It’s better to gain emotional neutrality (a neutral tone) than to argue from a gut-level emotional response.”

(Empathize: use “I” messages — I see you’re frustrated, I can relate to your feelings, etc.) 

I tell you, from my adult/at-times-I-wanna-be-12-years-old perspective, this is nothing but a tall order.  But do I have a choice?  I’m the adult.  I have to become the bigger, the better person … I hate growing up … Why does it have to be so hard?!

“Don’t view every resistance by your child as a personal affront.  Resistance doesn’t always have to be classified as rebellion.  Make it an opportunity for dialogue.”  (R. Reynolds)

Yes, sir!

How to Communicate With Your Strong-Willed Child

When you hear the word strong-willed child, what thoughts and situations cross your mind? 

Defensive, stubborn, outspoken? 

How about honesty, courage, movers and shakers?

As an extremely strong-willed child, adults often labeled me as defiant and rebellious.  Oddly enough, as an adult working with strong-willed youths — and I love them all dearly — I have often cast judgment on these children as angry and non-compliant. 

What goes around comes around.

There must be a way to establish healthy boundaries, bond, and foster relationships with strong-willed children. 

There is.

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds’ Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child offers plenty of helpful insights and hands-on tools to parent and educate the stubborn, oppositional child.  

In the next ten days, I’ll share Dr. Reynolds’ practical help and spiritual insights on ways to bond and set limits respectfully.

I hope you’ll join me.  Love to hear your experiences and insights! 

Women Around the World: Their Joys, Concerns, and Quality of Life

Five women from five countries — Denmark, Turkey, Dubai, Brazil, and Japan — share their thoughts and their lives.

Imagine balancing family and work responsibilities.  Imagine your life with maids, chauffeurs, and living across the street from extended family members.  (see How Women Live in Dubai [3:46])

How about a nation that encourages education and independence?   The Danish government takes special interest in mothers and their children. Free health care, socialized medicine … women typically get six to 12 months in paid maternity leave!  Citizens get paid to go the universities; a priceless investment toward a healthy, well-educated society. (Full Story) (see also Oprah Tours a Typical Danish Home [2:49])

Different folks, different strokes!  Yeah!

Trust but Verify: New Faces of HIV/AIDS

Five mothers, successful careers, living in suburban America, middle age, reentering the dating scene after a long marriage — one common denominator — HIV/AIDS.

Upon learning their status, these women who unknowingly shared Philipe, contacted other victims and gathered evidence. 

Ten testimonials later, Texas court sentenced the perpetrator with 45 years prison sentence; six counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon (bodily fluids).

Did Philipe stop these women from living their lives?  Absolutely not!  In fact, they have yet to give up on love!

Tricia found a wonderful man, a 21-year-survivor of HIV/AIDS.  “He possibly is the love of my life.  Had I not gone down this journey of pain and making the wrong decisions, I would have never found him.”

Susan has remarried.  Her husband does not have HIV.  “He’s very caring, compassionate,” she says.  “I disclosed on the second date.  That was difficult.  But you know, he’s wonderful.”

According to Dr. Kimberly Smith, an infectious disease specialist at Chicago’s Rush Medical Center, “You can’t look at someone and tell they have HIV.” (Full Story)

Trust but verify. Protect yourself. Get tested before the initial encounter. Contact your local HIV/AIDS support groups.  (see also Lost a Friend to AIDS)

Love Proactively

“You are unhappy not because of what you are getting.  You are unhappy because of what you are not giving.”  (Marianne Williamson)

Wow! 

For most issues, this, perhaps, is the case.

There are people in my life I’ve chosen to walk away from.  They’ve wronged me.  I’m done.  I’m moving on.

But … am I really moving forward?  Am I simply buying time to invite similar situations back into my life so that someday, I’ll finally learn life’s lessons?  

What if you were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS? 

Would you remain bitter?  Would you use your circumstance to raise public awareness?

Several strong women have chosen the latter! (Stay tuned for the next blog.)

“People who have wronged us are no more or no less innocent than we are.  Love people now.  Love them in advance.  Love them proactively.” (Marianne Williamson)

So WHAT am I waiting for? 

Time to get out of my head!  Time for action! 

The time is NOW!

CHARGE!