Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Gaining Respect (7/10)

Which would you honor — obedience or respect?

• Obedience – “Do it!  I said so!”
• Respect – good listening + trust + give children two choices you can live with

Respect, bar none!  I can’t make anyone do anything willingly.  You can’t make me, either.

Yet, when under intense stress, I find myself demanding unconditional obedience from my children, not respect.

It’s time to change — to recognize and minimize counterproductive behaviors. 

How, Dr. Reynolds?

• Respect grows when parents listen instead of just hear.  Value what your child says and attempt to understand his reality and his feelings.  Reflect (“So what you’re saying is …,” “I see you’re …”).
• Respect requires trust.  A child cannot trust the parent who does not listen.  Personal responsibility and interdependence — each person doing his part to keep the relationship healthy — is essential for building trust.  Hold children accountable.  Communicate with conviction, “You can do it!”                                                                     

Okay, but I need concrete tools.  How do I continue building trust and earning my children’s respect?

• Talk directly with the person — child or adult — who upsets you rather than to someone else.
• Too overwhelmed to talk?  Find a neutral third-party to coach you.
• Child/Parent conflict?  Encourage your child to talk directly to your spouse; not through you.
• Do not rescue or interfere with your spouse’s parenting, even if you disagree.  Discuss differences privately.  Form a united front.
• When you discipline, spend one-on-one time with your child.  Secure your bond with him. 

THANK YOU, sir! 

We humans — regardless of education level, status, wealth, or lack thereof — are all equal; messed up emotional creatures! 

Save face.  Discipline with dignity. 

Can’t wait to enjoy my family today!

America — Struggles and Hopes Inside Foster Care

All a kid needs is one person to hang on to, to listen, to care, to show up consistently.  (Dr. Maureen Brennan, psychiatrist of residential treatment facility)

Imagine … abandonment, sexual abuse, lies, secrets, guilt, shame, drugs, distrust, nightmares.

Imagine … Help!  Hope!  Healing!

In America, more than half a million kids are in foster care.  Once they reach 18 and age out of the system, only two out of ten will make it.  Others will end up homeless, in prison or dead.

We can do better.  We must.  These kids don’t belong to someone else.  These kids belong to all of us.  They are America’s children.  THEY ARE AMERICA.

The Power and Dangers Behind Group Mentality

When in Rome, do as the Romans do. (St. Ambrose)

Absolutely!  We can always learn from others, especially when venturing out into the unknown; moving out of our comfort zone.

“Crowd wisdom” encourages:

• Social cohesion
• Individual adaptation to think and behave in socially effective manner
• Spreading innovative ideas which promote economic, social, and cultural advances

How about jumping off the cliff?  Would you follow the leader, your lover, or a best friend … when you’re at the top of the world, when life couldn’t get any better?

Lack of self esteem + lack of judgment = reckless behavior:

• Blind obedience
• Conformity
• Intimidation
• Peer pressure
• Fear of retaliation
• Mental laziness and shallowness (cater to and promote the “lowest common denominator”)  (Full Story)

Group mentality creates and destroys.

We determine its use.  We determine our future.

We Can Think For Ourselves

Don’t care for Rush Limbaugh or Michael Moore — both extremely opinionated, one sided nut jobs …  BUT … extreme views can hold their weight in gold.  If we all agreed on everything all the time, when will we ever think outside of the box?

We have a brain; a brain so underused.  Why not listen to opposing views, throw in our bias and perceptions, and come to our personal truths?

What about news commentators?  I don’t want them telling me what to believe.  Show me the entire town hall meeting — just the facts.  I’ll reach my own conclusions.

On the other hand, that may not work.  Too many media folks will become jobless.  The press is shutting down left and right.  The government will have to bail them out, too.

State-sponsored media?  NO WAY!!!  If we only hear favorable reviews about our government, I might as well migrate to Russia.  Save time.

Which do you prefer?  The rich and the powerful dominate the media or government-run news organizations?  Either way, the populace are brain washed.  WE ARE SCREWED!!!

We’ve got beautiful minds.  Why not use it?

Just give me the facts, baby!  My brain will do my thinking! 

Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends & Influence People” (Summary)

In a nut shell, treat others the way you want to be treated — respect, listen, empathize, encourage!

I wonder how long it’ll take my head knowledge to drop down a foot and become heart knowledge — hopefully, not a lifetime!

For readers joining us today, click on the link(s) which interest you:

1. The Art of Leadership
2. Three Fundamental Techniques in Handling People
3. Six Ways to Connect With People (I)
4. Six Ways to Connect With People (II)
5. Twelve Ways to Persuade    (I) — Blow Off Steam or Problem Solve?
6. Twelve Ways to Persuade   (II) — Empathize, Ask Questions, Listen
7. Twelve Ways to Persuade (III) — Place Others First
8. Twelve Ways to Persuade  (IV) — Take the High Road, Dramatize, Challenge!
9. Nine Ways to Change People Without Arousing Resentment (I)
10. Nine Ways to Change People Without Arousing Resentment (II)

Mr. Carnegie, THANK YOU for your wisdom and insights.  I will integrate them throughout life’s journey.

Thank you all for your support!

Dale Carnegie’s “Nine Ways to Change People Without Arousing Resentment” (X)

Day 10 — last day!  Whew — we made it!

Thanks for accompanying me on this journey!  So many ideas are traveling my mind, my head is about to EXPLODE!  THANKS SO MUCH for all your support!

Let’s look at Mr. Dale Carnegie’s last four principles.  Finish strong!

Principle 6: Promote success — Praise the slightest and every improvement

Abilities wither under criticism; blossom under encouragement.

(So true.  Our minds create our realities.  Successful people view their life’s glass as always half full, never half empty.  Challenge=Opportunities for growth.  Encourage!  Thrive!  Succeed!)

Principle 7: Give others fine reputations to live up to

One morning, Dr. Martin Fitzhugh, a dentist in Dublin, Ireland, was shocked when a patient pointed out that the metal cup holder she used to rinse her mouth was not clean.  True, the patient drank from the paper cup, not the holder, but it certainly wasn’t professional to use tarnished equipment.  The doctor then wrote the cleaning lady:

Dear Bridgit,

I see you so seldom, I thought I’d take the time to thank you for your fine cleaning job.  By the way, I thought I’d mention that since two hours, twice a week, is a very limited amount of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel you need to do those “once-in-a-while” things like polishing the cup holders and the like.  I, of course, will pay you for the extra time.

The next day, Dr. Fitzhugh’s desk and chair was immaculately polished.  In the treatment room, he found the shiniest, cleanest chrome-plated cup holder he’d ever seen in its receptacle.

(Expect!  Encourage!  People, most likely, will exceed our expectations!  Thanks Mr. Carnegie!)

Principle 8: Make the fault seem easy to correct

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.  But be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it— and he will practice in order to excel.

(Yes!  Minds create realities.  Positive thoughts yield positive results!)

Principle 9: Encourage enthusiasm

Statesmen and diplomats aren’t the only ones who use the make-a-person-happy-to-do-the-things-you-want-to-do approach.

I knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak, invitations extended by friends, invitations coming form people to whom he was obligated; and yet he did it so tactfully that the other person was at least contented with his refusal.

How?

Not by merely talking about the fact that he was too busy and too-this and too-that.

No, after expressing his appreciation of the invitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitute speaker (a win-win-situation … wise!). 

In other words, he didn’t give the other person any time to feel unhappy about the refusal.  He immediately changed the other person’s thoughts to another speaker who could accept the invitation.

Effective leaders should keep the following in mind when changing others’ attitudes or behaviors:

1. Be sincere.  Don’t promise anything you cannot deliver.  Concentrate on the benefits to the other person (not yourself).
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Empathize.  Ask yourself, “What does the other person really want?”
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person how he will personally benefit. Example:

“John, we have a job that should be completed right away.  If it’s done now, we won’t be faced with it later.  I’m bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities.  I’d like to show them the stockroom, but it’s in poor shape.  If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, we’d look efficient and you’ll have done your part to provide a good company image.”

Empathy and encouragement — certainly goes A LONG WAY in human relations!

Tomorrow, we’ll summarize the major points from the last ten days (I’ll try).  After that, it’s application and practice in the real world.

Wish me luck!

Dale Carnegie’s “Nine Ways to Change People Without Arousing Resentment” (IX)

Bottom line, we humans are emotional (illogical) creatures.  Rub people the wrong way, we can be right — dead right.  I’d much rather smell the roses, not the coffin.  How about you?

So how do we navigate life?

• Begin with praise and honest appreciation
• Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others
  
• Ask questions; avoid giving orders
• Save face

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

It’s always easier to listen to unpleasant comments after we’ve heard some praise and good points (like the dentist who uses Novocain prior to drilling teeth)

A manager of a credit union informed her supervisor regarding her new hire’s sub par ability to balance the books.

After the office closed, the branch manager, who had been taking Dale Carnegie’s course, went over to talk to the employee.  Understandably, she was nervous and upset.

The branch manager praised the employee for her professional and friendly manner with the customers and complimented her accuracy and speed during that work.

The branch manager then reviewed the closing procedure.  Once the employee knew her top manager’s confidence in her, she easily followed the suggestions and quickly mastered the functions.

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills when he came across his employees smoking in the “No Smoking” area.  Schwab walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you’ll smoke these outside.”

(SAVVY!  I WOULD LOVE to shadow Mr. Schwab.  I’ll learn more from him in one day than I ever will on my own in a lifetime!)

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others

(Absolutely!  Bitter pills are much easier to swallow with a dose of empathy.  People are MUCH MORE CONVINCING when they share their experience in the trenches as well as their triumphs.  “I understand.  I’ve been there.” —Voila!  Instant bond, listening ears, respect!)

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving orders.  Promote participant’s buy-in.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; questions often stimulate the creativity of the persons whom you ask.  People are more likely to accept an order if they have had some input in the decision.

(True.  No one likes to be told what to do.)

Principle 5: Save face

Even if we are right and the other person dead wrong, we only destroy the ego by causing someone to lose face (more importantly, lose productivity — big time).

Ever heard of a top-notch employee who decides to work for the competitor after losing face at a high-stakes meeting?

(Likes attract.  Emotionally challenged bosses don’t deserve highly qualified workers).

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself.  Hurting a man’s dignity is a crime.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery, the legendary French aviation pioneer)

Lots of insights!  Steep learning curves!  Live and learn — one day at a time!

Wish me luck! 

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”–Take The High Road, Dramatize, Challenge! (VIII)

Two days left!  Let’s cut to the chase!

Before we begin, however, please note that principles stated in Mr. Carnegie’s books are not merely bag of tricks for improving human relations.  According to our expert, “Principles must be implemented with care, sincerity, and honesty.”

(Great point!  We can all smell flatterers and manipulators miles away!)

Principle 10:  Appeal to noble motives

People are idealists at heart.  We like to think of motives that sound good.  So in order to change others, appeal to nobler motives.  Example:

James L. Thomas collected “uncollectable accounts” by empathizing, listening, and appealing to customers’ nobler motives:

“I’m sorry you’ve been annoyed and inconvenienced by one of our representatives.  As a representative, I apologize.  As I listened to your side of the story, I could not help but be impressed by your fairness and patience.  Because of your fairness and patience, I’m going to ask a favor.  I believe you can do it better than and know about it more than anyone else.  I’m going to ask you to adjust your bill, as you would if you were the president of my company.  I’m going to leave it up to you.  Whatever you say, goes.”

(I’m not sure how often this strategy works but from what I’ve read so far, I can see that hurting people’s ego is NOT the way to get results.  A two-year-old can tell it like it is.  I’ll try the above.  I only fail when I fail to try.  Wish me luck!)

Principle 11:  Dramatize

Merely stating facts isn’t enough.  You have to make an impression.  The facts have to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.  Use showmanship.  The movie does it.  Television does it.  If you want attention, go for it!

(Want an interview?  Stop sending resumes.  Study the organization inside out.  Show up at the CEO’s office with a 30 second spiel.  Make a positive impression.  Inform.  Tell the manager how your skills will benefit the company.  In the next 30 seconds, share your portfolio.  Show and tell.  Make a strong first impression.  Screw the red tape! … I was desperate for a job — get hired or stay home.  What have I got to lose?  NOTHING! …  I got the job!  If I can do it, you can do it better!  Good luck!)

Principle 12:  When all else fails, throw down a challenge

Successful people love the game: the chance for self-expression, the chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.  Why do contestants participate in relay races and pie-eating contests?

Charles Schwab got his mill workers producing by stimulating competition between the day shift and night shift workers.  At the beginning of each shift, employees would see on the floor how much the other shift produced.

(Smart guy!  Mr. Schwab capitalized on employees’ desire to excel.  The challenge was non-threatening because the result displayed group [not individual] effort.  AND the challenge was doable; not overwhelming or impossible.)

Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, concurred.  He conducted an in-depth study of work attitudes of thousands ranging from factory workers to senior executives.

His findings?

What stimulated employees the most — money, professionally decorated offices, benefits?  None of the  above.

People were motivate by the work.  If the assignment was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to the task and was motivated to do a good job.

(I agree and disagree.  As long as employees receive a livable wage, money and benefits may not be at the top of their lists.  As psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “Basic needs — food and shelter — must be met before self-actualization can take place.”)

Thoughts?  Two more days!

Thanks for your support on this journey!

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”– Place Others First (VII)

Sounds simple enough … in head-knowledge, anyway.  If I could do this 24/7, especially amidst adversity, I will see a halo over my head.

Certainly not yet but I sure can try.

(7) Principle 7: How to get cooperation — Let others believe your ideas are theirs

Make suggestions.  Let others think they reached your conclusion.  People don’t want to be told what to do.  There’s more enthusiasm and buy-in when people are consulted:

A salesman for an x-ray manufacturer sold his equipment to one of the largest hospitals in Brooklyn.  How?  By seeking his potential customer’s suggestion and thoughts on product-development and improvement!

(The salesman didn’t tout his horn or force his ideas on his customer.  Smart guy — a well deserved sale!)

(8) The magic formula: Try to see the situation from others’ perspectives

The glass is always half full.  People respond favorably to warmth and encouragement; never to harsh actions and criticisms.

(Right on Mr. Carnegie!  You and Aesop understand human nature so well!)

(9) Empathize with others’ ideas and desires.

Three-fourths of the people you’ll meet are hungering and thirsting for empathy.  Give it to them.  They will love you:

A manger of an elevator-escalator company persuades a leading hotel manager to shutdown his escalator for a few hours.  The first manager suggests, “I know your hotel is quite busy and understand your concern.  We would like to keep the escalator shutdown to a minimum.  Our diagnosis of the situation, however, shows that if we don’t complete the job now, your escalator may suffer more serious damage resulting in inconveniencing your guests for several days.”

(Fill a need!  Let people know “what’s in it for them.”  Love your insights, Mr. Carnegie!)

Last but not least, the chapter concludes with a 2500-year-old Chinese wisdom:

The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.  Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams.  So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them; wishing to be before them, he put himself behind them.  Thus though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.

Truth — universal, eternal, supreme. 

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”– Empathize, Ask Questions, Listen (VI)

If someone told you to take a hike, what would you do?  Would you turn the other cheek?

Me?  Not a chance … unless I was an actress reading a script!  An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth — BRING IT ON BABY!

But where does that get me?  Not resolution.  Bridges burned — at the speed of lightening, that’s for sure. 

Searching for a win-win solution?

(4) Principle 4: Begin in a friendly manner

Mr. Straub successfully negotiated his rent with his landlord.  How?  Unlike the other tenants, who complained and criticized, Mr. Straub met his landlord with good will and enthusiasm.  He commented on how the landlord ran the building and would like to stay another year but couldn’t afford it.  The landlord immediately offered to lower the rent.

Problem-solve with the friendly, appreciative, empathetic approach! (Yes, Mr. Carnegie!)

(5) Principle 5: Get the other person to agree

Did Socrates tell people they were wrong?  No, he was wise.  He asked questions where the opponent would have to agree; getting the “Yes” responses.  Respect, empathize, listen, help the other party think and decide. For example, here’s a story of a bank customer who refused to give out certain information when opening his account:

Banker: “The information you chose not to disclose is unnecessary … however, suppose you have money in this bank at your death.  Wouldn’t you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of kin, the person entitled to it according to law?

Customer: “Yes, of course.”

Banker: “Don’t you think it would be a good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your death, we could carry out your wishes correctly?”

The young man’s attitude softened and changed when he realized that we weren’t asking this information for our sake but for his sake.

Now why didn’t I think of this?! … Because my name isn’t Socrates! (But I’ll sure try asking the right questions.  Thanks Mr. Carnegie!)

(6) Principle 6: Handling complaints — Listen.  Let others do the talking.

The majority who try to persuade talk too much.  Listen.  Let others talk.  Let them tell you a few things.  Make others feel important.  Don’t stir envy.

Henrietta was good at her job but for the first few months, she had no friends.  Why?  She bragged about her accomplishments.  The tables turned when she began listening and let her associates share their accomplishments.  Now, Henrietta listens to others’ joys and mentions her achievements only when asked.

(Smart lady.)

A teenage girl rebelled against her overbearing mother — until the mother stopped talking and began to listen.  The daughter expressed her thoughts, feelings, and her confusion about growing up.  The mother/daughter relationship improved when the mother began to listen.

(I have a preteen son.  I will take your advice to heart, Mr. Carnegie!)

Thoughts?

Tomorrow, we’ll discuss:

1. How to get cooperation
2. A formula that will work wonders for you
3. What everybody wants

Stay tuned!