Dare to Live Outside of the Box

“That’s not what society says,” “No one has ever done it before,” “That’s not what the educated and the well-connected say.”

SO WHAT?  All the more reason to do the unthinkable!

“Leigh Anne Tuohy manages to do what she wants to do in the way she wants to do it.  She doesn’t care what it takes or how she has to do it but she does it her way … I’ve never met anyone like that before.” (Sandra Bullock)

“Anytime anyone does something unconventional, you have to think about the reality of that (action). Usually, (change) starts with someone who can look at things differently … what if …” (Ray McKinnon)

Stand on the sidelines or get inside the ring — the choice is ours. 

It’s Complicated!

Don’t know about you but the the longer I hang around the block, I find myself enjoying the company of complicated people — the so called “screw ups” — the ever so adorable human beings! 

Would you prefer to be around people who are always “doing great” and “so together?”  Not me.  I’m so imperfect; I’d suffocate amongst wanna-be-perfectionists. 

Wanna know my humble opinion? Folks who think and act like they’re so together are really more screwed up than you and me — at least we’re able to admit to and live with our humanity.  “Perfect people” are just in denial — too insecure to face their true selves.  To the goody two-shoes, ”STOP JUDGING.  LIVE A LITTLE!”

If you were divorced, successful, stable career woman about to start a new relationship, and your charming, unreliable, two-timing ex-husband showed up saying “I really want to grow old with you”, would you take him back?

My head would say “NO WAY!”  But my heart?  “Maybe …?  Maybe … someday?”

LIFE — so hilarious, so complicated, so unbelievable! 

It’s Complicated — two thumbs WAY UP!  A must see this holiday season! 

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Firm Foundation. Don’t Rescue. Get A Life. (10/10)

It’s natural for parents to become overly involved in their children.  Family is important; however, when parents look for their identity needs to be met in their children – meaning, purpose, challenge, and joy – family friction and codependency take over healthy family dynamics.  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, Child Psychologist)

In other words, parents, don’t live through your child.  Get a life.  Work on issues, challenges, dreams, goals . . . Hmm . . . Much easier said than done. 

Taking risks, changing, (possible) failure . . . they CAN be scary.  It’s easier to blame someone else (e.g., a strong-willed child) for life’s difficulties than own up to our deficiencies.

But life’s lessons we choose to ignore will resurface until we learn.  Do we learn now, later, or never?

Healthy parents, healthy kids — happiness!

I want to LIVE my life; my goals.  I want my family, too! 

Gonna get ‘em all! 

CHARGE!!! 

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Building Positive Dynamics (9/10)

How would you describe your family dynamics?  Critical, achievement-oriented, efficient?  Warm, secure, caring, stimulating?

Which would you prefer?  Which would you strive towards?

The latter, most likely.  We all thrive in warm and caring environment — children, especially.

So, how do we get there?

• Meet Needs—Give attention, security, a sense of belonging, touch, affection, and stimulation.
• Know Your Child—Play!  Be a good listener.  Spend deep, quality time.  Enjoy your child(ren).
• Believe in Your Child—By doing so, parents provide opportunity and courage for her to fulfill your new, positive expectations.
• Allow Independence—Teach your child to think and take personal responsibility.
• Remain Calm and Detached—Empty ourselves of anger, resentment, fear, and guilt.

Here are concepts in action:

Child:    I got a bad evaluation from the teacher today.  If she was any good, I’d ace this class! (Negative invitation)

Parent: So she’s good at preventing her students from learning?

Child:    Well, she doesn’t help me learn!

Parent: So what would help you learn and do well in her class?  (Positive invitation/Problem-solve)

Child:    I don’t know, maybe a tutor.  (Response)

Parent: We could find a tutor for that class, but what about missed assignments?

Child:    Yeah, I’ve missed some.  I’ll finish them.

As always, thanks Dr. Reynolds! 

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Achieving Emotional Stability (8/10)

“Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie.”  (Robert Ebert)

Do you agree or disagree?

We can’t take our emotions for granted.  They govern our behavior, even when we don’t realize it.  Immature families, especially when under stress, communicate that feelings are wrong.  Family members react to each other.  The overriding message is, “You shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling.”  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, child psychologist)

I hear ya!  Emotions—especially strong ones—intensify and magnify issues.  Emotions, at times, finger point—”It’s your fault, not mine!”  

“Emotions, however, when handled appropriately, can promote positive change.”  (Dr. Reynolds)

Really?  How?

• Empathize.  Validate your child’s feelings but stand firm on your decision: “It sounds like you’re frustrated because I won’t let you wear jeans today.  I know that’s hard for you, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
• Discipline, don’t punish.  Discipline is patient and goal-oriented; punishment is motivated by anger or reactivity.

 What else?

• Affirm, acknowledge, respect, create a sense of belonging, and appreciate each other.  Full emotional tanks give members room to express themselves.  Relax.  Enjoy simple pleasures.
• As families mature, they shame each other less; respond to each other more.  They listen to others without reacting.  They assert without antagonizing.  Families set realistic expectations.  They know they’re interdependent, and flex with the normal stresses of life.

“Learn to own your feelings.  Don’t blame others when you communicate.  Begin sentences with ‘I’ messages, not ‘you’.” . . . “‘I feel . . . when . . .’“

Empathize, affirm, discipline, “I” messages—Thanks Dr. Reynolds!

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Gaining Respect (7/10)

Which would you honor — obedience or respect?

• Obedience – “Do it!  I said so!”
• Respect – good listening + trust + give children two choices you can live with

Respect, bar none!  I can’t make anyone do anything willingly.  You can’t make me, either.

Yet, when under intense stress, I find myself demanding unconditional obedience from my children, not respect.

It’s time to change — to recognize and minimize counterproductive behaviors. 

How, Dr. Reynolds?

• Respect grows when parents listen instead of just hear.  Value what your child says and attempt to understand his reality and his feelings.  Reflect (“So what you’re saying is …,” “I see you’re …”).
• Respect requires trust.  A child cannot trust the parent who does not listen.  Personal responsibility and interdependence — each person doing his part to keep the relationship healthy — is essential for building trust.  Hold children accountable.  Communicate with conviction, “You can do it!”                                                                     

Okay, but I need concrete tools.  How do I continue building trust and earning my children’s respect?

• Talk directly with the person — child or adult — who upsets you rather than to someone else.
• Too overwhelmed to talk?  Find a neutral third-party to coach you.
• Child/Parent conflict?  Encourage your child to talk directly to your spouse; not through you.
• Do not rescue or interfere with your spouse’s parenting, even if you disagree.  Discuss differences privately.  Form a united front.
• When you discipline, spend one-on-one time with your child.  Secure your bond with him. 

THANK YOU, sir! 

We humans — regardless of education level, status, wealth, or lack thereof — are all equal; messed up emotional creatures! 

Save face.  Discipline with dignity. 

Can’t wait to enjoy my family today!

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Raising the Healthy Individual (6/10)

Which types of parents raised you — the overprotective Rescuer who assumes too much responsibility, or the Reactor; critical, under-involved, and the distant?

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds states, “Both Rescuers and Reactors present strategies for failed parenting.”  No wonder I’m screwed!  My mother was a Rescuer, my father, a Reactor.  I was raised by both!

So how did I learn (and continue to learn) what my parents failed to teach me? 

SOCIETY — the school of hard knocks!

I want more for my two sons — way more.  With my husband, I want to work on creating healthy family dynamics and healthy individuals.

When parents succeed in creating individuals, their children will be:

• Cooperative
• Compassionate
• Maintain relationships even during tough times
• Take care of themselves without imposing on others
• Live with convictions
• Willing to suffer discomfort to accomplish personal goals
• Define who they are without succumbing to peer pressure                       (Dr. Reynolds)

Compassionate, hardworking, problem-solver/life-long learners . . . the character traits I wish for my kids.

SO, what are my husband and I to do? . . .

Dr. Reynolds to the rescue!

• Communicate clear expectations.  Help children reach their potential.
• Allow children to take risks.  
• Set realistic but challenging expectations for your children.  Help them push through their doubts as they move from incompetence to competence.
• Hold children accountable for their responsibilities.  Empower them to grow.
• Validate your children.  Make them feel important.
• Parents ought to focus on their own goals, well-being, and self-definition.  Don’t live through your child.  Children are not extensions of their parents.
• Pray for your children.

Whew!  So much to understand, internalize, and apply . . . for me, anyway. 

Better late than never!  One step, one moment, one day at a time! 

Enjoy parenting!  Enjoy life! 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Finding the Balance (5/10)

What kind of home do you strive to create; family relationships based on justice, mercy, or grace?

• justice–you get what you deserve
• mercy–you don’t get what you deserve (a policeman pulls me over for speeding but doesn’t give me a ticket)
• grace–you get what you don’t deserve (the policeman gives me a $100 bill)

Grace sounds great, especially when I’m the recipient!

What if I was the giver, the parent, the one in charge?  

Child psychologist, Dr. Randy Reynolds recommends grace, bar none!

Law-oriented families focus on goals and standards (like the workplace).  Grace promotes relationships (yeah!).  Grace enables you to accept the way things are and trust God for the way things should be.  In the grace-based home, warmth and excitement are everyday experiences.

Dr. Reynolds, how can I get there?

• Validate your child’s feelings instead of resisting them.  Empathize.  Be affectionate and loving when your child is upset.  
• Every relationship has an emotional account.  When you deposit into the account by spending time with your child, you can draw from it without penalty.
• Spend time listening to your child in order to understand her behavior.  Find out where she’s coming from.
• Explain how people must learn to follow if they want to lead.  Recommend biographies.  Look for teachable moments.  Praise her when she successfully yields.
• Maintain a sense of humor.

I must remember my strong-willed child’s strengths.  He is honest.  He often sees himself outside of the family system and its values, and sees the family dynamics clearly.  He is NOT shy about saying what’s on his mind. 

I’ve also heard, conforming children sometimes grow up with less moral courage than their more difficult children (yes, the ones who, right or wrong, wouldn’t dare rock the boat.  YUK! YUK!  TRIPLE YUK!!! SPINELESS WHIMPS!!!) 

 I LOVE my strong-willed child!

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference . . . Amen! 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Building Parental Authority (3/10)

Spare the rod, spoil the child. (Proverbs 13:24)

He who rebukes a man will in the end gain more favor than he who has a flattering tongue.  (Proverbs 28:23)

No one said parenting (and family relationships) would be easy.  It’s time to face my reality; face the music.

Dr. Randy Reynolds shares his words of wisdom:

• The key to a safe family environment is to establish authority and hold the line when it’s challenged
• Parents are to use authority to create order, place restraints, and to create a safe home environment for every family member.  Endure your child’s short-term disapproval for long-term respect (remain consistent; grow a spine)
• Make requests, give commands, follow through, be just and fair, be honest, express anger appropriately, trust God (His wisdom), utilize logical and natural consequences, establish clear boundaries, allow other authorities to play a corrective role (whew!)

Parental authority must be firm to be effective; loving in order to be good.

Can’t wait to be all grown up — someday! 

Love Proactively

“You are unhappy not because of what you are getting.  You are unhappy because of what you are not giving.”  (Marianne Williamson)

Wow! 

For most issues, this, perhaps, is the case.

There are people in my life I’ve chosen to walk away from.  They’ve wronged me.  I’m done.  I’m moving on.

But … am I really moving forward?  Am I simply buying time to invite similar situations back into my life so that someday, I’ll finally learn life’s lessons?  

What if you were diagnosed with HIV/AIDS? 

Would you remain bitter?  Would you use your circumstance to raise public awareness?

Several strong women have chosen the latter! (Stay tuned for the next blog.)

“People who have wronged us are no more or no less innocent than we are.  Love people now.  Love them in advance.  Love them proactively.” (Marianne Williamson)

So WHAT am I waiting for? 

Time to get out of my head!  Time for action! 

The time is NOW!

CHARGE!