I Have Shed My Mask

The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere.  That is why so much of social life is exhausting; one is wearing a mask.  I have shed my mask.

Perhaps middle age is, or should be, a period of shedding; ambitions, material accumulations, possessions, and the ego.  One’s pride, one’s false ambitions, one’s mask, one’s armor.  Was that armor not put on to protect one from the competitive world? If one ceases to compete, does one need it? Perhaps one can at last in middle age, if not earlier, be completely oneself.  And what a liberation that would be!           (Anne Lindbergh’s Gift From the Sea)

It’s Complicated!

Don’t know about you but the the longer I hang around the block, I find myself enjoying the company of complicated people — the so called “screw ups” — the ever so adorable human beings! 

Would you prefer to be around people who are always “doing great” and “so together?”  Not me.  I’m so imperfect; I’d suffocate amongst wanna-be-perfectionists. 

Wanna know my humble opinion? Folks who think and act like they’re so together are really more screwed up than you and me — at least we’re able to admit to and live with our humanity.  “Perfect people” are just in denial — too insecure to face their true selves.  To the goody two-shoes, ”STOP JUDGING.  LIVE A LITTLE!”

If you were divorced, successful, stable career woman about to start a new relationship, and your charming, unreliable, two-timing ex-husband showed up saying “I really want to grow old with you”, would you take him back?

My head would say “NO WAY!”  But my heart?  “Maybe …?  Maybe … someday?”

LIFE — so hilarious, so complicated, so unbelievable! 

It’s Complicated — two thumbs WAY UP!  A must see this holiday season! 

 

Love This Letter!

A personal letter doesn’t get better than this.  Love to share it with you!

*****

My Children,

Many folks have told me they’re upset that My name is taken out of the season.  Maybe you’ve forgotten I wasn’t actually born during this time of year.  It was some of your predecessors who decided to celebrate My birthday on a pagan festival.

I don’t care what you call the day.  If you want to celebrate my birth, JUST GET ALONG AND LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

If you want to give Me a present in remembrance of My birth, here is my wish list.  You choose:

• Write letters of love and hope to soldiers away from home.  They are terribly afraid and lonely this time of year.  I know.  They tell me.
• Visit someone in a nursing home.  You don’t have to know them.  Just let them know you care.
• Try to give everyone a warm smile.  You could make a difference in the life of the lonely and the hopeless.
• Pray for George and his family rather than complaining about the wording on his cards.
• Spend time with your kids.  They don’t want gifts you can’t afford.  Tell them the story of My birth and why I came to live with you down here.  Hold your kids.  Tell them how much you love them.
• Forgive someone who has hurt you.
• Support a charity or a missionary — especially ones who take My love and Good News to those who have never heard my name.
• Finally, behave like a Christian.  Don’t do things in secret that you wouldn’t do in My presence.  Let people know by your actions that you are mine.
• I am God.  I can take care of Myself.  Just love Me and do what I have shared.  I’ll take care of the rest.  Check the above and get to work.  Time is short.  I’ll help you but the ball is now in your court.  Have a blessed Christmas with all your loved ones. 

Remember, I LOVE YOU.

Jesus

*****

Thanks GOD!

I Want to Be More Spontaneous!

My facebook friend wrote, “I want to be more spontaneous!”

My hats off to her courage and open honesty!  DID THE THREAD TAKE OFF!  People were responding left and right!

Which got me thinking … We all want to be real.

What encourages spontaneity?  What stops people from becoming their true selves?

Confidence.

The more confident and secure we are, the less vulnerable we become to popularity contests.  We become spontaneous — more true to ourselves, less concerned with approval.

There’s only one ME in this entire universe.  I am unique and special.  I accept myself — for my strengths and my flaws.  I am my best friend.  I will laugh and cry when I want to.  I will change when I want to.  I choose to live under my own terms.

Who wants thousand acquaintances; the ones we say, “Hi” to for ten years but still don’t know anything about — not even their last names!  (Hate to admit, I’ve certainly got my share.  My acquaintances and I, we all suffer from terrible lack of curiosity).

I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for the few friends I have — those who continue to stick around come hell or high water!  What priceless jewels!

But things weren’t always this way.  I’ve lived at least a decade spending all my energy pleasing people.

The great news is WE CAN CHANGE!

Our minds create our realities.  When we change our thoughts, we WILL change reality. (I’M STILL LEARNING — DAILY!  YEAH!)

Psychotherapist Dr. Garrett Coan suggests:

• Do what comes naturally
• Follow your strengths
• Develop your talents
• Express your own style
• Follow your convictions

In other words, plan (for self improvement), persist (work on self improvement), and act the part (fake it till you make it — I do this A LOT!).

There’s SO MUCH to learn — never a dull moment!

Dale Carnegie’s “Nine Ways to Change People Without Arousing Resentment” (X)

Day 10 — last day!  Whew — we made it!

Thanks for accompanying me on this journey!  So many ideas are traveling my mind, my head is about to EXPLODE!  THANKS SO MUCH for all your support!

Let’s look at Mr. Dale Carnegie’s last four principles.  Finish strong!

Principle 6: Promote success — Praise the slightest and every improvement

Abilities wither under criticism; blossom under encouragement.

(So true.  Our minds create our realities.  Successful people view their life’s glass as always half full, never half empty.  Challenge=Opportunities for growth.  Encourage!  Thrive!  Succeed!)

Principle 7: Give others fine reputations to live up to

One morning, Dr. Martin Fitzhugh, a dentist in Dublin, Ireland, was shocked when a patient pointed out that the metal cup holder she used to rinse her mouth was not clean.  True, the patient drank from the paper cup, not the holder, but it certainly wasn’t professional to use tarnished equipment.  The doctor then wrote the cleaning lady:

Dear Bridgit,

I see you so seldom, I thought I’d take the time to thank you for your fine cleaning job.  By the way, I thought I’d mention that since two hours, twice a week, is a very limited amount of time, please feel free to work an extra half hour from time to time if you feel you need to do those “once-in-a-while” things like polishing the cup holders and the like.  I, of course, will pay you for the extra time.

The next day, Dr. Fitzhugh’s desk and chair was immaculately polished.  In the treatment room, he found the shiniest, cleanest chrome-plated cup holder he’d ever seen in its receptacle.

(Expect!  Encourage!  People, most likely, will exceed our expectations!  Thanks Mr. Carnegie!)

Principle 8: Make the fault seem easy to correct

Tell your child, your spouse, or your employee that he or she is stupid at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve.  But be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know you have faith in his ability to do it, that he has an undeveloped flair for it— and he will practice in order to excel.

(Yes!  Minds create realities.  Positive thoughts yield positive results!)

Principle 9: Encourage enthusiasm

Statesmen and diplomats aren’t the only ones who use the make-a-person-happy-to-do-the-things-you-want-to-do approach.

I knew a man who had to refuse many invitations to speak, invitations extended by friends, invitations coming form people to whom he was obligated; and yet he did it so tactfully that the other person was at least contented with his refusal.

How?

Not by merely talking about the fact that he was too busy and too-this and too-that.

No, after expressing his appreciation of the invitation and regretting his inability to accept it, he suggested a substitute speaker (a win-win-situation … wise!). 

In other words, he didn’t give the other person any time to feel unhappy about the refusal.  He immediately changed the other person’s thoughts to another speaker who could accept the invitation.

Effective leaders should keep the following in mind when changing others’ attitudes or behaviors:

1. Be sincere.  Don’t promise anything you cannot deliver.  Concentrate on the benefits to the other person (not yourself).
2. Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
3. Empathize.  Ask yourself, “What does the other person really want?”
4. Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
5. Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
6. When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person how he will personally benefit. Example:

“John, we have a job that should be completed right away.  If it’s done now, we won’t be faced with it later.  I’m bringing some customers in tomorrow to show our facilities.  I’d like to show them the stockroom, but it’s in poor shape.  If you could sweep it out, put the stock in neat piles on the shelves, and polish the counter, we’d look efficient and you’ll have done your part to provide a good company image.”

Empathy and encouragement — certainly goes A LONG WAY in human relations!

Tomorrow, we’ll summarize the major points from the last ten days (I’ll try).  After that, it’s application and practice in the real world.

Wish me luck!

Dale Carnegie’s “Nine Ways to Change People Without Arousing Resentment” (IX)

Bottom line, we humans are emotional (illogical) creatures.  Rub people the wrong way, we can be right — dead right.  I’d much rather smell the roses, not the coffin.  How about you?

So how do we navigate life?

• Begin with praise and honest appreciation
• Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others
  
• Ask questions; avoid giving orders
• Save face

Principle 1: Begin with praise and honest appreciation

It’s always easier to listen to unpleasant comments after we’ve heard some praise and good points (like the dentist who uses Novocain prior to drilling teeth)

A manager of a credit union informed her supervisor regarding her new hire’s sub par ability to balance the books.

After the office closed, the branch manager, who had been taking Dale Carnegie’s course, went over to talk to the employee.  Understandably, she was nervous and upset.

The branch manager praised the employee for her professional and friendly manner with the customers and complimented her accuracy and speed during that work.

The branch manager then reviewed the closing procedure.  Once the employee knew her top manager’s confidence in her, she easily followed the suggestions and quickly mastered the functions.

Principle 2: Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly

Charles Schwab was passing through one of his steel mills when he came across his employees smoking in the “No Smoking” area.  Schwab walked over to the men, handed each one a cigar and said, “I’ll appreciate it, boys, if you’ll smoke these outside.”

(SAVVY!  I WOULD LOVE to shadow Mr. Schwab.  I’ll learn more from him in one day than I ever will on my own in a lifetime!)

Principle 3: Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing others

(Absolutely!  Bitter pills are much easier to swallow with a dose of empathy.  People are MUCH MORE CONVINCING when they share their experience in the trenches as well as their triumphs.  “I understand.  I’ve been there.” —Voila!  Instant bond, listening ears, respect!)

Principle 4: Ask questions instead of giving orders.  Promote participant’s buy-in.

Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable; questions often stimulate the creativity of the persons whom you ask.  People are more likely to accept an order if they have had some input in the decision.

(True.  No one likes to be told what to do.)

Principle 5: Save face

Even if we are right and the other person dead wrong, we only destroy the ego by causing someone to lose face (more importantly, lose productivity — big time).

Ever heard of a top-notch employee who decides to work for the competitor after losing face at a high-stakes meeting?

(Likes attract.  Emotionally challenged bosses don’t deserve highly qualified workers).

“I have no right to say or do anything that diminishes a man in his own eyes.  What matters is not what I think of him but what he thinks of himself.  Hurting a man’s dignity is a crime.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery, the legendary French aviation pioneer)

Lots of insights!  Steep learning curves!  Live and learn — one day at a time!

Wish me luck! 

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”–Take The High Road, Dramatize, Challenge! (VIII)

Two days left!  Let’s cut to the chase!

Before we begin, however, please note that principles stated in Mr. Carnegie’s books are not merely bag of tricks for improving human relations.  According to our expert, “Principles must be implemented with care, sincerity, and honesty.”

(Great point!  We can all smell flatterers and manipulators miles away!)

Principle 10:  Appeal to noble motives

People are idealists at heart.  We like to think of motives that sound good.  So in order to change others, appeal to nobler motives.  Example:

James L. Thomas collected “uncollectable accounts” by empathizing, listening, and appealing to customers’ nobler motives:

“I’m sorry you’ve been annoyed and inconvenienced by one of our representatives.  As a representative, I apologize.  As I listened to your side of the story, I could not help but be impressed by your fairness and patience.  Because of your fairness and patience, I’m going to ask a favor.  I believe you can do it better than and know about it more than anyone else.  I’m going to ask you to adjust your bill, as you would if you were the president of my company.  I’m going to leave it up to you.  Whatever you say, goes.”

(I’m not sure how often this strategy works but from what I’ve read so far, I can see that hurting people’s ego is NOT the way to get results.  A two-year-old can tell it like it is.  I’ll try the above.  I only fail when I fail to try.  Wish me luck!)

Principle 11:  Dramatize

Merely stating facts isn’t enough.  You have to make an impression.  The facts have to be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic.  Use showmanship.  The movie does it.  Television does it.  If you want attention, go for it!

(Want an interview?  Stop sending resumes.  Study the organization inside out.  Show up at the CEO’s office with a 30 second spiel.  Make a positive impression.  Inform.  Tell the manager how your skills will benefit the company.  In the next 30 seconds, share your portfolio.  Show and tell.  Make a strong first impression.  Screw the red tape! … I was desperate for a job — get hired or stay home.  What have I got to lose?  NOTHING! …  I got the job!  If I can do it, you can do it better!  Good luck!)

Principle 12:  When all else fails, throw down a challenge

Successful people love the game: the chance for self-expression, the chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win.  Why do contestants participate in relay races and pie-eating contests?

Charles Schwab got his mill workers producing by stimulating competition between the day shift and night shift workers.  At the beginning of each shift, employees would see on the floor how much the other shift produced.

(Smart guy!  Mr. Schwab capitalized on employees’ desire to excel.  The challenge was non-threatening because the result displayed group [not individual] effort.  AND the challenge was doable; not overwhelming or impossible.)

Frederic Herzberg, one of the great behavioral scientists, concurred.  He conducted an in-depth study of work attitudes of thousands ranging from factory workers to senior executives.

His findings?

What stimulated employees the most — money, professionally decorated offices, benefits?  None of the  above.

People were motivate by the work.  If the assignment was exciting and interesting, the worker looked forward to the task and was motivated to do a good job.

(I agree and disagree.  As long as employees receive a livable wage, money and benefits may not be at the top of their lists.  As psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “Basic needs — food and shelter — must be met before self-actualization can take place.”)

Thoughts?  Two more days!

Thanks for your support on this journey!

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”– Place Others First (VII)

Sounds simple enough … in head-knowledge, anyway.  If I could do this 24/7, especially amidst adversity, I will see a halo over my head.

Certainly not yet but I sure can try.

(7) Principle 7: How to get cooperation — Let others believe your ideas are theirs

Make suggestions.  Let others think they reached your conclusion.  People don’t want to be told what to do.  There’s more enthusiasm and buy-in when people are consulted:

A salesman for an x-ray manufacturer sold his equipment to one of the largest hospitals in Brooklyn.  How?  By seeking his potential customer’s suggestion and thoughts on product-development and improvement!

(The salesman didn’t tout his horn or force his ideas on his customer.  Smart guy — a well deserved sale!)

(8) The magic formula: Try to see the situation from others’ perspectives

The glass is always half full.  People respond favorably to warmth and encouragement; never to harsh actions and criticisms.

(Right on Mr. Carnegie!  You and Aesop understand human nature so well!)

(9) Empathize with others’ ideas and desires.

Three-fourths of the people you’ll meet are hungering and thirsting for empathy.  Give it to them.  They will love you:

A manger of an elevator-escalator company persuades a leading hotel manager to shutdown his escalator for a few hours.  The first manager suggests, “I know your hotel is quite busy and understand your concern.  We would like to keep the escalator shutdown to a minimum.  Our diagnosis of the situation, however, shows that if we don’t complete the job now, your escalator may suffer more serious damage resulting in inconveniencing your guests for several days.”

(Fill a need!  Let people know “what’s in it for them.”  Love your insights, Mr. Carnegie!)

Last but not least, the chapter concludes with a 2500-year-old Chinese wisdom:

The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.  Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams.  So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them; wishing to be before them, he put himself behind them.  Thus though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.

Truth — universal, eternal, supreme. 

Dale Carnegie’s “Six Ways to Connect With People” (IV)

Yesterday, we discussed three ways to connect with people:

1. Become genuinely interested in others
2. Smile
3. Say the person’s name often

Today, we’ll talk about Dale Carnegie’s three additional insights on relationship-building:

1. Be a good listener.  Encourage others to talk about themselves
2. Talk about other person’s interests
3. Make the other person feel important — be sincere

(1) Be a good listener — remember, the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems.  A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China killing millions.  A boil on one’s neck interests the person more than forty earthquakes in Africa.

(I agree, for the most part; however, people also enjoy a stimulating discussion on world affairs.  Bottom line, “be a good listener.”)

(2) Talk about other person’s interests — Learn the other person’s interest and ask questions — the quickest way to build rapport and relationships!

(Right on!  However, don’t fire questions like a machine gun.  I once had a person do this to me. The experience haunts me to this day.  I thought she was my friend, not an interrogator.)

(3) Make the other person feel important. Be sincere. — The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts are to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize them sincerely.

(Love, warmth, genuine interest — sounds like a plan!)

Thoughts?

Dale Carnegie’s “Six Ways to Connect With People” (III)

How to Win Friends & Influence People is an eye opener!  Practical, timeless classic on human relations — no wonder the book is celebrating its 70 years in print, not to mention 15 million copies strong!

Today, we’ll look at three of the six ways to build rapport with others (we’ll go over the rest tomorrow).

Dale Carnegie advises:

1. Become genuinely interested in other people
2. Smile
3. Say the person’s name often

(1) Become genuinely interested in other people — if we want to make friends, let’s greet people with animation and enthusiasm.  People are not interested in you or me.  They are interested in themselves — morning, noon, and after dinner.

(Sharp insights, Mr. Carnegie.  No wonder your book sells!)

(2) Smile — Everybody in the world is seeking happiness.  Preserve a right mental attitude — courage, frankness, and good cheer.

(Yep, we are our thoughts!)

(3) Say the person’s name often.  To the person, it’s the sweetest and most important sound in any language — Franklin Delano Roosevelt knew that one of the simplest, most obvious, and most important ways of gaining good will was by remembering names and making people feel important — yet how many of us do it?

(Ooh, I am so guilty of this.  I will change.)

1. Become genuinely interested in other people
2. Smile
3. Say the person’s name often

Gotcha, Mr. Carnegie!

Thoughts?