Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Firm Foundation. Don’t Rescue. Get A Life. (10/10)

It’s natural for parents to become overly involved in their children.  Family is important; however, when parents look for their identity needs to be met in their children – meaning, purpose, challenge, and joy – family friction and codependency take over healthy family dynamics.  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, Child Psychologist)

In other words, parents, don’t live through your child.  Get a life.  Work on issues, challenges, dreams, goals . . . Hmm . . . Much easier said than done. 

Taking risks, changing, (possible) failure . . . they CAN be scary.  It’s easier to blame someone else (e.g., a strong-willed child) for life’s difficulties than own up to our deficiencies.

But life’s lessons we choose to ignore will resurface until we learn.  Do we learn now, later, or never?

Healthy parents, healthy kids — happiness!

I want to LIVE my life; my goals.  I want my family, too! 

Gonna get ‘em all! 

CHARGE!!! 

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Building Positive Dynamics (9/10)

How would you describe your family dynamics?  Critical, achievement-oriented, efficient?  Warm, secure, caring, stimulating?

Which would you prefer?  Which would you strive towards?

The latter, most likely.  We all thrive in warm and caring environment — children, especially.

So, how do we get there?

• Meet Needs—Give attention, security, a sense of belonging, touch, affection, and stimulation.
• Know Your Child—Play!  Be a good listener.  Spend deep, quality time.  Enjoy your child(ren).
• Believe in Your Child—By doing so, parents provide opportunity and courage for her to fulfill your new, positive expectations.
• Allow Independence—Teach your child to think and take personal responsibility.
• Remain Calm and Detached—Empty ourselves of anger, resentment, fear, and guilt.

Here are concepts in action:

Child:    I got a bad evaluation from the teacher today.  If she was any good, I’d ace this class! (Negative invitation)

Parent: So she’s good at preventing her students from learning?

Child:    Well, she doesn’t help me learn!

Parent: So what would help you learn and do well in her class?  (Positive invitation/Problem-solve)

Child:    I don’t know, maybe a tutor.  (Response)

Parent: We could find a tutor for that class, but what about missed assignments?

Child:    Yeah, I’ve missed some.  I’ll finish them.

As always, thanks Dr. Reynolds! 

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Achieving Emotional Stability (8/10)

“Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie.”  (Robert Ebert)

Do you agree or disagree?

We can’t take our emotions for granted.  They govern our behavior, even when we don’t realize it.  Immature families, especially when under stress, communicate that feelings are wrong.  Family members react to each other.  The overriding message is, “You shouldn’t feel what you’re feeling.”  (Dr. Randy Reynolds, child psychologist)

I hear ya!  Emotions—especially strong ones—intensify and magnify issues.  Emotions, at times, finger point—”It’s your fault, not mine!”  

“Emotions, however, when handled appropriately, can promote positive change.”  (Dr. Reynolds)

Really?  How?

• Empathize.  Validate your child’s feelings but stand firm on your decision: “It sounds like you’re frustrated because I won’t let you wear jeans today.  I know that’s hard for you, but I’m not going to change my mind.”
• Discipline, don’t punish.  Discipline is patient and goal-oriented; punishment is motivated by anger or reactivity.

 What else?

• Affirm, acknowledge, respect, create a sense of belonging, and appreciate each other.  Full emotional tanks give members room to express themselves.  Relax.  Enjoy simple pleasures.
• As families mature, they shame each other less; respond to each other more.  They listen to others without reacting.  They assert without antagonizing.  Families set realistic expectations.  They know they’re interdependent, and flex with the normal stresses of life.

“Learn to own your feelings.  Don’t blame others when you communicate.  Begin sentences with ‘I’ messages, not ‘you’.” . . . “‘I feel . . . when . . .’“

Empathize, affirm, discipline, “I” messages—Thanks Dr. Reynolds!

 

Good News About Your Strong-Willed Child: Gaining Respect (7/10)

Which would you honor — obedience or respect?

• Obedience – “Do it!  I said so!”
• Respect – good listening + trust + give children two choices you can live with

Respect, bar none!  I can’t make anyone do anything willingly.  You can’t make me, either.

Yet, when under intense stress, I find myself demanding unconditional obedience from my children, not respect.

It’s time to change — to recognize and minimize counterproductive behaviors. 

How, Dr. Reynolds?

• Respect grows when parents listen instead of just hear.  Value what your child says and attempt to understand his reality and his feelings.  Reflect (“So what you’re saying is …,” “I see you’re …”).
• Respect requires trust.  A child cannot trust the parent who does not listen.  Personal responsibility and interdependence — each person doing his part to keep the relationship healthy — is essential for building trust.  Hold children accountable.  Communicate with conviction, “You can do it!”                                                                     

Okay, but I need concrete tools.  How do I continue building trust and earning my children’s respect?

• Talk directly with the person — child or adult — who upsets you rather than to someone else.
• Too overwhelmed to talk?  Find a neutral third-party to coach you.
• Child/Parent conflict?  Encourage your child to talk directly to your spouse; not through you.
• Do not rescue or interfere with your spouse’s parenting, even if you disagree.  Discuss differences privately.  Form a united front.
• When you discipline, spend one-on-one time with your child.  Secure your bond with him. 

THANK YOU, sir! 

We humans — regardless of education level, status, wealth, or lack thereof — are all equal; messed up emotional creatures! 

Save face.  Discipline with dignity. 

Can’t wait to enjoy my family today!

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”– Place Others First (VII)

Sounds simple enough … in head-knowledge, anyway.  If I could do this 24/7, especially amidst adversity, I will see a halo over my head.

Certainly not yet but I sure can try.

(7) Principle 7: How to get cooperation — Let others believe your ideas are theirs

Make suggestions.  Let others think they reached your conclusion.  People don’t want to be told what to do.  There’s more enthusiasm and buy-in when people are consulted:

A salesman for an x-ray manufacturer sold his equipment to one of the largest hospitals in Brooklyn.  How?  By seeking his potential customer’s suggestion and thoughts on product-development and improvement!

(The salesman didn’t tout his horn or force his ideas on his customer.  Smart guy — a well deserved sale!)

(8) The magic formula: Try to see the situation from others’ perspectives

The glass is always half full.  People respond favorably to warmth and encouragement; never to harsh actions and criticisms.

(Right on Mr. Carnegie!  You and Aesop understand human nature so well!)

(9) Empathize with others’ ideas and desires.

Three-fourths of the people you’ll meet are hungering and thirsting for empathy.  Give it to them.  They will love you:

A manger of an elevator-escalator company persuades a leading hotel manager to shutdown his escalator for a few hours.  The first manager suggests, “I know your hotel is quite busy and understand your concern.  We would like to keep the escalator shutdown to a minimum.  Our diagnosis of the situation, however, shows that if we don’t complete the job now, your escalator may suffer more serious damage resulting in inconveniencing your guests for several days.”

(Fill a need!  Let people know “what’s in it for them.”  Love your insights, Mr. Carnegie!)

Last but not least, the chapter concludes with a 2500-year-old Chinese wisdom:

The reason why rivers and seas receive the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below them.  Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams.  So the sage, wishing to be above men, put himself below them; wishing to be before them, he put himself behind them.  Thus though his place be above men, they do not feel his weight; though his place be before them, they do not count it an injury.

Truth — universal, eternal, supreme. 

Dale Carnegie’s “Twelve Ways to Persuade”– Empathize, Ask Questions, Listen (VI)

If someone told you to take a hike, what would you do?  Would you turn the other cheek?

Me?  Not a chance … unless I was an actress reading a script!  An eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth — BRING IT ON BABY!

But where does that get me?  Not resolution.  Bridges burned — at the speed of lightening, that’s for sure. 

Searching for a win-win solution?

(4) Principle 4: Begin in a friendly manner

Mr. Straub successfully negotiated his rent with his landlord.  How?  Unlike the other tenants, who complained and criticized, Mr. Straub met his landlord with good will and enthusiasm.  He commented on how the landlord ran the building and would like to stay another year but couldn’t afford it.  The landlord immediately offered to lower the rent.

Problem-solve with the friendly, appreciative, empathetic approach! (Yes, Mr. Carnegie!)

(5) Principle 5: Get the other person to agree

Did Socrates tell people they were wrong?  No, he was wise.  He asked questions where the opponent would have to agree; getting the “Yes” responses.  Respect, empathize, listen, help the other party think and decide. For example, here’s a story of a bank customer who refused to give out certain information when opening his account:

Banker: “The information you chose not to disclose is unnecessary … however, suppose you have money in this bank at your death.  Wouldn’t you like to have the bank transfer it to your next of kin, the person entitled to it according to law?

Customer: “Yes, of course.”

Banker: “Don’t you think it would be a good idea to give us the name of your next of kin so that, in the event of your death, we could carry out your wishes correctly?”

The young man’s attitude softened and changed when he realized that we weren’t asking this information for our sake but for his sake.

Now why didn’t I think of this?! … Because my name isn’t Socrates! (But I’ll sure try asking the right questions.  Thanks Mr. Carnegie!)

(6) Principle 6: Handling complaints — Listen.  Let others do the talking.

The majority who try to persuade talk too much.  Listen.  Let others talk.  Let them tell you a few things.  Make others feel important.  Don’t stir envy.

Henrietta was good at her job but for the first few months, she had no friends.  Why?  She bragged about her accomplishments.  The tables turned when she began listening and let her associates share their accomplishments.  Now, Henrietta listens to others’ joys and mentions her achievements only when asked.

(Smart lady.)

A teenage girl rebelled against her overbearing mother — until the mother stopped talking and began to listen.  The daughter expressed her thoughts, feelings, and her confusion about growing up.  The mother/daughter relationship improved when the mother began to listen.

(I have a preteen son.  I will take your advice to heart, Mr. Carnegie!)

Thoughts?

Tomorrow, we’ll discuss:

1. How to get cooperation
2. A formula that will work wonders for you
3. What everybody wants

Stay tuned!

Land Your Dream Job Today!

Unemployed?  Great!  You’ve got nothing to lose and EVERYTHING TO GAIN! Land your dream job today!

Just do what most people aren’t doing.  Yes.  Get those face-to-face meetings.

Don’t request them.  Go get ‘em!  Show up at the CEO’s door with your 30 second spiel!

Before anyone could say “Go away,” you’ve introduced AND sold yourself (maybe not the latter but people will give you points for initiative and creativity!  Isn’t that what all employers want — problem-solvers and out-of-the-box thinkers?!).

If you’re desperate and/or an outgoing risk-taker, this approach is for you!  Knocking on doors have opened doors for me (like interviews and my current job).

After being a stay-at-home mom for four years, I was ready to work outside of the home.

I submitted my resume to two school districts.  That was in March. In mid-June, I still hadn’t heard from a soul.

I decided to drive down to the school, “ran into” the custodian, and asked when would be the best time to “run into” the principal.  A week later, I showed up at his door with my portfolio and my 30 second spiel.

The rest is history.  I have THE best job!

There are always ways to get your foot in the door.  How about applying for a custodial position with the local temp agency? Always carry your portfolio.  Double bag the trash cans and place the Ziplocked portfolio between two bags.

Clean the CEO or Human Resource manager’s office for a month or so, establish rapport with employees, learn about the company, go to the lunch room and look at the postings for different positions, talk to people and find out which departments are hiring, etc., etc.

When you’re ready, “run into” the decision makers with your 30 second spiel.  Get your camcorder rolling and show your portfolio — in 30 seconds!  Before the big shots can say, “I’m too busy,” they would have seen your video — your masterpiece!

Unemployed?  You’ve got nothing to lose and everything to gain!

Go get ‘em! (see also Jobless But Working)

PS — Share your success stories today!

Relationships are Everything

Relationships strengthen connections.  Relationships help us grow.  Relationships make life special.  What’s life without relationships?

I once heard a wannabe salesperson say, “The Golden Rule — easy!  The one with the gold rules!” … He’s no longer in sales.  I wonder why.

People interact with those they trust and like.  “No one cares what you know until they know you care.” (Theodore Roosevelt)

The Golden Rule — Treat others the way you want to be treated.

More on Relationships

Guerrilla Marketing Strategies for Writers

Are you a guerrilla marketer or a traditional marketer?

Are you passionate about an idea, a product?  Do you want to inspire?  Do you want to learn with others?  How about getting your word out?

What’s stopping you from promoting your message — your calling?

If you answered MONEY, fear not!   Guerrilla Marketing for Writers (and for all professions) shares countless weapons to promote your message.  For starters:

• Guerrilla marketing substitutes time, energy, and imagination for money.
• Guerrilla marketing is geared toward small business owners with a big dream but not a big bankroll.
• Guerrilla marketing measures effectiveness with profits; traditional marketing with sales.
• Guerrilla marketing is based on psychology — the laws of human behavior that determine buying patterns.  Traditional marketing is based on experience and judgment involving guesswork.
• Guerrilla marketing recommends maintaining excellence and diversifying only if doing so promotes sales without sacrificing quality.  Traditional marketing encourages production and diversify.
• Guerrilla marketing recommends business growth through customer service and follow-up.  Traditional marketing encourages adding new customers.
• Guerrilla marketing encourages relationships over profit — collaboration and win-win opportunities among competitors.  Traditional marketing advocates destroying competition.
• Guerrilla marketing embraces technology because it’s simple, economical, and offers infinite potential.  Traditional marketing thought technology was too complicated, expensive, and limited.

If you’d like to share inspiring quotes or recommended readings on marketing, the sky is the limit!  We’d love to hear your thoughts!